7 Years Single Today

Things got worse before they got better. And how I ended up on Medicaid.

Tranquil waters at Otterbield Bay-geograph-5267085-by-Gordon-Brown

Content warning below. I will be discussing some mental health struggles I’ve had and there will be some brief discussion of cancer

May 15, 2018, I was at work, unpacking boxes in our lab. The entire department had just moved to another building because of renovations. I was halfway through my PhD in engineering, and the lab move had set back my research progress a bit, so I had to quickly set up the new lab and get a new experiment set up.

Little did I know that this would be Day 1 of some very difficult years. Around 10am, there was a message on my work email. I stopped and took a break. My boyfriend of almost a year, and someone I had known for about two years, wanted to end things. He felt like things were too busy and he couldn’t devote the time to the relationship. I was stunned. Things were busy in grad school, as always, but everyone around me seemed to be able to successfully navigate a relationship and work and social activities. It was profoundly hurtful that he withheld his doubts until they manifested into an email.

I was shocked not only at the message, but in the callous, impersonal way it was delivered. He literally worked down the hall. He knew I was at work, busy unpacking. It was a nightmare. I felt like a piece of garbage, callously discarded. All the work, the homemade meals, the gifts, meeting each other’s friends and family…it was too much to think about. He was a coward, plain and simple.

I couldn’t breathe. I reached over and just pressed the power button to shut off the computer. I returned to unpacking like nothing happened. I felt mentally frozen. I was supposed to attend a departmental lunch and skipped it. My advisor was surprised that I skipped it, but I just said I wanted to keep working.

Later I turned on the computer, no follow up messages. No text messages. I thought I’d hear something. I actually ran into him. I avoided eye contact; there were other people around. I went home (fortunately we did not cohabitate), took a long walk, barely able to think. Part of me thought it was a mistake, that he’d call to talk or come over. I kept waiting and waiting. Nothing. Two days later I had the most miserable period cramps of my life (likely from stress) left work early. Nobody noticed or seemed to care. All the ‘friends’ just mysteriously stopped contacting me.

I avoided the impulse to fire off some sarcastic message to him. Things were stressful. I hoped he would take some time and space to think. But I was in some horrible holding period. Two weeks later he texted me, a passive aggressive message that if I was JUST going to ignore him, I would NEVER hear from him again. I broke down crying for the first time in two weeks, feeling miserably alone and started dry heaving, in the first of what would be many panic attacks.

I should have just blocked him, then and there, but some little crumb of affection was better than nothing. I said, sure we could still be friends. We weren’t really friends though. I would miserably creep around the department and was fairly successful in avoiding him. I cried every day for months, feeling horrible anxiety and nothing but existential dread for my future. I could barely eat, and my weight fell to be below a safe level. Friends were getting married, engaged, and inviting my ex to stuff and not me. Days where I didn’t have lab work to do were holed up in my apartment.

My email continued to haunt me. Two relatives (one only in her mid-40s) were diagnosed with cancer, and both died within weeks of their diagnoses (they had experienced series of strokes and seizures from cancer treatments). Their deaths were devasting. I was often informed of these changes over email. Needless to say, I had intense anxiety after their diagnosis, their illnesses, and then deaths. It was very hard to navigate such upheaval alone.

On top of it all, not only was I busy doing lab work for a PhD, but I was heavily involved in the graduate student association and planning a university-wide research symposium. This symposium planning actually helped me a lot, as it got me out of the department more. I felt genuinely proud of it.

Meanwhile my ex kept circling back. He may have felt guilty, or missed having me as a friend, or just missed the perks of being in a relationship and would occasionally message me, especially around holidays. I usually gave terse replies and eventually blocked him on my phone.

In November, I joined a book club and attended some social events “trying to get back out there”. Everyone had their one friend groups by that point, and it was hard to hear of everyone’s marriage/engagement plans, like I was in some bad romcom. One evening, a friend was getting married just a few blocks away, and had invited my ex, not me, and I was miserably depressed, ruminating in my apartment.

The breakup hit hard, for a lot of reasons. Being in a male-dominated field was difficult, and my love interests rarely reciprocated or showed much interest in me. While most women with PhDs get married, many in graduate school, I had the opposite problem, rarely receiving any sort of romantic attention. So, the breakup, seemed to validate false ideas I had about myself. As a feminist and creative writer, I never felt like I fit in STEM culture that well. However, I felt that I had finally hit my stride in graduate school, making friends and socializing, but that had been upended with the breakup. The sudden deaths of two relatives, especially of one so young, makes one realize how short life is and further made me think hard about a lot of my past life decisions.

After about 8 months of steadily worsening anxiety and depression I started therapy. The day before the big symposium in March, my parents informed me they had sold our childhood home and were moving to a remote rural area within a week, ramifications that would impact me greatly only 1 year later. The next day, however, I had to go through yet another big event and I had spent months planning and had actually been looking forward to, pretending life was okay, while sobbing myself to sleep.

By Fall 2019, I was doing much better. I felt lighter. My anxiety was slowly receding; my depression was all about gone. I was getting out, feeling more hopeful. I loved the research I was doing and was very lucky to have a job that I actually enjoyed and felt challenged by. I was less than a year from graduating and applying to jobs. I had a few interviews and was getting close to a job. I developed a proposal for a novel technology to remediate microplastics in the environment, that was well-received. However, I dreamed of moving to an amazing city and the new life I would have post-PhD. I ended therapy. I started writing again, which was my salvation, truly.

Then it was March 2020. The world was shutting down. My anxiety, which often revolved around contamination OCD, flared up. But I was lucky in a way. I had finished all my lab work and only writing my dissertation, which was easy to do at home. The weather was unusually nice so I could do stuff outside nearly every day. But all my job applications were terminated. As I wrote about before, there were layoffs and hiring freezes in academia, disproportionally affecting women and people of color. By late June I was getting desperate. I had no job offers. I knew getting a faculty job was really difficult but had never imagined it being so difficult to get a postdoc, lab tech, or even an adjunct teaching job, which are notoriously under-paid positions in academia. I had no “real-world” experience and had limited options in the industry sector, though I applied for some and was unsurprisingly ghosted. On top of it all, my ex had won “best research” award in the department.

I had had regrets in the past about majoring in STEM especially during the stress that is undergrad engineering. I had felt that a STEM major had derailed my chance at being a creative writer and had deprived me of social experiences in college. However, I had really enjoyed the academic aspects of graduate school and had thrived in academic research environment and was doing work I really cared about. I didn’t have aspirations to be wealthy, but I assumed I would be able to have steady, if modestly-paying work at least. But, in 2020 and 2021, I was extremely angry. I felt like I had been sold a lie. Majoring in engineering had been heavily pushed onto us Millennials, because it “basically guaranteed” job security and a decent salary** I had neither. Plus, I barely had any friends, was very isolated, had developed mental health issues, had no significant other, and little money. Plus, I didn’t have any academic publications when my peers were quickly surpassing me because they had advisors better at writing mentoring and publishing.

**Women and people of color in engineering professions are paid less and more likely to never even obtain professional advancement opportunities

I felt very betrayed by my department. They made no post-doc or even teaching offers (I would have taken an adjunct teaching position if offered) to me. I had no graduation ceremony (I still don’t feel like I have a PhD). The cheapskate university wouldn’t even send me a cap and gown so I could take a few pictures of myself around campus at least. I had spent countless hours doing volunteer work around the university. They also didn’t provide me with a hardcopy of my dissertation.

Getting a PhD was MY adult ‘milestone’, because I don’t want to get married or have kids. But, as was made abundantly clear to me, weddings and children are the adult ‘milestones’ that will receive the most validation.

Anyway, I successfully defended and had to move to my parent’s new house in a rural, Trump-loving area. I was very, very lucky to have this option though. Many people do not and often are trapped in bad relationships because they need health insurance or financial support. On top of it, my ex had become a highly successful faculty member in the field, and the professional organization we were members of, so I do still have very occasional (professional only) contact or news about him but don’t personally message him. I also felt I couldn’t afford to “burn bridges” with him so to speak given how precarious my own career trajectory was and still is. I also realize that I was very lucky the situation with my ex didn’t have worse ramifications on my life, and that he wasn’t vindictive.

Living in Trump country (there were offensive lawn signs and “Trump parades”. It was remote, desolate. Most of the people I encountered were anti-vaxxers, so I didn’t make new friends. I applied to Medicaid for health insurance, since I was trapped in a constant cycle of week-long interviews, hope I would get a job, then inevitable rejection. My employment situation was very uncertain and living in a rural area there weren’t a lot of local job opportunities. I was profoundly grateful for Medicaid. By the Fall 2020, I got several day-long interviews and even was a finalist for a postdoctoral fellowship but was rejected from every single one, which hurt a lot. My OCD worsened. I didn’t have much money so my use of items around the house was scrutinized; I did a lot of cooking/cleaning to compensate for my lack of financial contribution. I was screamed at in the middle of a restaurant by relatives because I so anxious eating out in a public space. I lost a bunch a weight again. Fortunately, because of Medicaid I could start therapy again.

Fortunately, I got a postdoc and could move. But I had my own space, my own home that I could decorate. Family drama cemented my decision to basically remain single for a good, long while. I haven’t dated in 7 years and plan to keep it that way.

Positives I gain from being single:

• I cherish having independence over my own life, and don’t spend money on things I don’t want to spend money on (That includes paying off a spouse’s student loans—remember your dreams of marriage may result in acquiring a lot of debt). While I don’t make a lot of money, I invest the small amount I save and have a small but growing retirement portfolio. Nobody else has access to my financial assets either.

• If I do want to splurge, there’s no judgement or shame if I do. I don’t have to consult with a single person about it. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of control over money and spending, whether warranted or not, and it led to some money anxiety. However, I also learned to budget, save, and invest, something a lot of people don’t learn.

• I don’t have to consult with anyone if I decide to go out and do something. I can leave events any time I want.

• I resent being forced into social gatherings or family events (with toxic family members no less). Holidays are now calm and relaxing.

• I’m an introvert who needs a lot of alone time and am pretty minimalist. I really resent cleaning up after other people and dealing with clutter/junk.

• I have a clean living environment (decorated to my taste) that stays clean after I clean it. When I purchase a week’s worth of groceries they last the whole week.

• I can spend however long I want on writing, without interruption. Despite working full time, I have plenty of time for hobbies and exercise that bring me a lot of joy. I have a very well-rounded in life.

• I actually need a lot of sleep, so I have no guilt sleeping a lot.

• I don’t have to make career decisions around someone else’s career.

During this time of unemployment, I leaned into my creative writing heavily. I also started doing the research for a lot of the articles you’ll see on this Substack. I also started ballet training again and doing other creative work which fulfilled me far more than any relationships could. Writing is the true love of my life. If I had remained in that relationship, it is highly unlikely I would be writing like this. I likely would not have had the time or felt the need to push it aside. On May 15, 2025, I am far more peaceful and self-aware.

Lessons

-Don’t hash out relationship issues via work/school email. If you work for a public university in the U.S., your work emails can be turned over in a Freedom of Information Request. Luckily that didn’t happen to me.

-Start planning your financial future in your 20s. If you are considering going to graduate school or have a job that doesn’t have offer retirement contributions, you might want to consider opening up an IRA and contributing money. Any amount you can save, save, even if its $10 a week. I started one during my first year of grad school and am very happy I did. You never know what situation you will be graduating into.

-If they end the relationship, believe them. I held out ‘hope’ that he would contact me within a few days to explain, possibly apologize, but nope. I’m glad I didn’t fire off an equally immature message. Don’t maintain contact with exes unless it’s absolutely necessary and then add safeguards to protect your privacy and mental health. Now, it’s clear my ex was still trying to retain a lot of the benefits of a relationship, and the emotional labor I provided.

-Avoid dating in your lab group. Being a graduate student is a very vulnerable position, and you might not have much recourse if things go sour. Remember that about 70% of unmarried heterosexual relationships end within a year. Also, never date or become involved with a faculty member if you are a student. I’m thankful he didn’t work in the same lab group as me or that would have been almost impossible to escape. I was very lucky the situation wasn’t worse.

-Substance abuse, mental health and suicide risk among STEM students does not get enough attention. Students in STEM are less likely to seek counselling than non-STEM students. The “masculinity” of engineering departments can create hostile environment for women as well as gay, transgender, and gender-nonconforming students. The environment is also competitive and can be unforgiving if academic performance slips. Graduate students have described the engineering academic environment as “silent” around LGBTQ+ identities. Many LGBTQ+ students can struggle with a sense of belonging or worried about their inclusion in their future profession as engineers.

-Realize and name the ways being single benefits you.

-You don’t have to date, despite cultural pressure (“The only thing less dignified than dating in the modern age is not dating”.) You don’t “owe” anyone your time, attention, or body. If the idea of dating makes you anxious and feel like you want to throw up, then listen to your body and take care of yourself.

-Programs like Medicaid and SNAP are essential for those residing in the United States. They help people during times when they need it. I was very fortunate to benefit from Medicaid. When I finally got my postdoc, there was a 40-day waiting period until my new insurance kicked in, so I was lucky that I had some form of insurance. The application process for Medicaid is very time consuming and takes a lot of documentation for them to determine eligibility, so if you think you need it, start the process as soon as possible. However, it was the best health insurance I ever had.

-Your creativity will fulfill you in ways other people cannot.